I really intended to keep up with this blog when I set it up. Im sure I could say that I just don't have the time with 8 kids... but that would be a lie. I have the time but I have so many other unfinished projects that I start working on a few of those again and eventually get to the others. Well Im finally working on this one.
Im not even sure what you would call that problem. Slacker.... maybe. I do spend endless hours playing apps on facebook where I could be doing this. Procrastinator... most likely. Even though I feel that I am pretty good with words, and it definately is easier expressing myself in the written words, I find that I can write a novel of nonsense when just trying to get accrossed the fact that I woke up in a bad mood. Laziness..... Somewhat.. by the time I have got up in the morning, woken grouchy kids up for school, calmed them down so that I don't get calls from teachers wondering why they are acting "this way", changed 5-10 diapers, cleaned liquid dishsoap off my comforter, tripped over 3 cats, rerolled the toilet paper roll(twice), argued with my 13 year old about taking a shower and cleaning up after himself, listened to 30 fights, endless tattling, endless namecalling, done the dishes, avoided 10 calls from bill collectors, listened to my friend Jennifer for an hour on the phone about how horrible her love life is but that she is traveling to another state once again for a vacation from her kids, played with the babies, listened to Tanner repeat "I'm Tanner" 100 times, kept Tanner from killing Ashton with a toy truck 3 times, cooked dinner, had another irritating conversation with my 18 yr old about the latest game on the market in which he always needs to explain in great detail to me, watched my 13 yr old roll his eyes at my husband at least 10 times, made kids put stuff away that they got out, avoided the many advances from my husband that he likes to throw out there when Im trying to get stuff done, kissed 5 or 6 boo-boo's, stayed up till 2am because Tanner inherited mommy's insomnia, harvested my crops on farmtown, planted more, captured a few ghosts on ghost trappers, filled out a few stupid and boring quizzes that prove nothing about who I really am (though some come close), stay awake until around 3:30 so that I can have some me time to just watch stupid shows on late night tv and think........... So yeah... by the time I get through all of that and sooo much more.. I tend to be a little lazy about putting all my feelings and stories on my blog.
But in a nutshell. The reason that I haven't blogged is fear. Fear of opening up to everyone. Fear of not being liked I guess. Just Fear. Im definately not the average woman out there and Im not even close to being the average mommy blogger out there. Even the mommy blogger sites that I have seen where they state to not be a normal mommy blogger... yeah I've read their blogs.. and they are that average mommy blogger. There are alot of problems in my house.. My oldest son is gay. Now I don't find this to be a problem. Being that I was raised LDS and the belief system of the mormon church on gays is not good does cause a problem because we live in Utah.. Hellooo full of mormons.. lots of judgement on my poor son. He really hasn't come out to everyone because of the judgemental views of others. I hope someday he can stand strong in his beliefs of who he is. My oldest daughter is overweight.. I won't say how much here as to not hurt her feelings, but it is something that if we don't get in control soon, she will struggle with her whole life. I would really hate to see that since I struggle with my own weight issues. My 13 yr old is the rebel and it is problem after problem after problem with him. He thinks the world hates him and in the process he continuously lashses out at the world to make everyone pay for his feelings of sadness. Still wondering if anti-depressants wouldn't be in order here. Or maybe it's just those teenage hormones and it will change. I don't know. Rebecca just turned 12 and has a million friends. She is my good one. Everyone loves Becca. She has her times of sadness too mainly if she thinks people don't like her. She has girls at school tease her about being fat or whatever and it hurts her deeply. She is no where near overweight and she just can't see that the reasons that those girls tease her is because she is so beautiful and they are threatened.... I hope she realizes that before they break her spirit. CJ 10 is the all boy. I don't think he has a care in the world. As long as he is running around, jumping, etc... he is good. Taylor 8 is my spitfire and has had many problems in school. She lashes out easily at others that annoy her and has been suspended many times. Even went through anger management classes. They finally tested her to see if she was in need of resource and found out that her IQ is 146.. now that she is a genius in their eyes, she is babied bad by the school with her tantrums. They chalk it up to gifted child syndrome.... I chalk it up to a stubborn stubborn little girl that wants her way. Then there is my 3 yr old Tanner.. he is 3.. he is a handfull. And Ashton my 1yr old. He is at the cute stage where all he has to do is give you that big smile and the world makes sense once again.
We are the disfunctional family for sure. I have heard it from family, neighbors, the school etc. I don't like it and have tried to change it but have just come to the conclusion that normal sucks! My kids are all gifted and have their problems.. but we are a family and we will get through them. I know that alot of their problems stem from the fact that I became a mom at a very young age and had not grown up enough to be a mom. And my mom was not even a close example of what a mother should be. Ive learned a lot over the years of what to do and what not to do.... and am still learning. But in the process I have definately made mistakes and am now paying for it.. and I see my children paying for it. And I think that is what hurts most of all.
Ok... so there is a little bit more of the upchuck of my thoughts from my life. Things that most people would read and be judgemental over. But the judgment road is nothing new to me. And I don't mean others... yes I have been judged by many others... but I meant myself. I am my own judge and jury and I put myself on trial almost daily. But I'm tired of that. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. And that is the reason I started the blog in the first place... To say.. Hey, this is who I am!, This is what I do!, yes Im different then all of you.. But you know what. I am a great Mother!, I am a great person! and I'm not afraid to say it.
But then again.. It's taken me a few weeks to write my second post.. so I guess I was afraid to say it.
Ill work on that.
Nikketti
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